When I was a child, I wished for many things:
But now...
The darkness has come and shattered my society. And also my heart.
You can follow my story and my struggle to stop the darkness. You might also see me fall in love with my greatest enemy.
-Ellie aka Elisha
Daughter of the High Priest Alastair and Priestess Amara.
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140,287 Literary Works • 673,074 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
I was a little unsure about this piece, until I read somewhere that this was meant to be a prologue. It does make more sense as a prologue, as it really does not follow the narration of a story. As a prologue, though this completely hits the mark. It instantly grabs the reader's attention, and I can confidently say that this is something I would like to read.
The formatting in this part feels a little strange to me. Even though this is just the prologue, I have never seen it being narrated in this way. It feels like you are ticking off subjects in a grocery list, and you don't want any part of your story to feel that way. So maybe, put it in a single sentence or write it some other way. Or maybe putting commas after the words would make them feel more like a part of a single sentence, placed there with a single intention.
That's a very nice hook right there. It immediately makes me want to read on in order to find out what this 'darkness' is and how it took over the narrator's life. Although, the use of darkness is rather cliched and predictable. Almost all books target darkness as the enemy that ruins everything, it is the kind of obvious road that all stories take. So maybe you can replace it with some other adjective? I don't have any in my mind right, so you will just have to take my word for it.
Overall, this was a very interesting prologue and it effectively draws in the readers. It plants the seed of curiosity in their minds and it makes them read on to know what happens next. I am sure that the story is just as good as the prologue and I wish you all the best with it!
Keep writing and have a great day!
Hey! This will really grab your reader's attention. I loved it. Prologues can be short. It doesn't matter. There was only one thing:
"You will follow my story and my struggle to stop the darkness. You might also see me fall in love with my greatest enemy."
Instead of saying "You will follow," say, "You CAN follow," That way you won't sound like a jerk to the reader. It is their choice to continue the book. This'll make it sound better and well...nicer.
Good job! Do you have any more posted?
BBB
This is a prologue. and sure, you can look at story, but i posted it.
Hmmm. This is too short to be a story and it feels more like a summary or perhaps a prologue? Either way, I think you should change the format and there's a few corrections to be made. Here's how I'd edit it -
[I don't think there's any need to space this out and it should be 'someone to love'. Also, you need commas between the items on the list and a period at the end.]____________________
Also, are you going to write more of the story? If you do and you want someone to look at it, let me know.